My biggest problem is getting started. I feel like I’ve been trying to get the ball rolling for some time now. Too long now. So I’ve got a few ideas to keep me going once I start so I don’t backslide every other month.
I suggested over lunch today that my boyfriend and I strike up a bet. We’ve tried the whole being friends on the weight loss app thing and I just don’t want to be the naggy girlfriend who says, “honey, your eating to much.” I don’t think that healthy. We both can lose a few lbs and we both want to but motivation is hard to come by. So we’re making it into a game, that’s totally up our alley. We play games all the time; you know board games with our friends. Here are the stakes: Whoever can lose the highest percentage of weight by Valentines Day pays for tickets for a Valentine’s trip to Disney. We both weighed ourselves at the same time on the same scale wrote it down and put it in a sealed envelope. I’m calling it the Valentine’s challenge and I’m totally going to win.
So the next step is eating right consistently and making my way back to the gym. I don’t hate working out that much once I get into a routine but damn I hate the gym. Seriously it’s a room surrounded by mirrors and shared with other people, I’d be more apt to go if no one could see me doing it, not even me.
Sidebar: I’m a voracious reader, I just love books. I’m usually reading more than one and they just go so fast. I spend probably half of my free time reading.
So when I was pondering how to get myself to go back to the gym I figured I’d take a book. It’s worked in the past, reading and using the stationary bike. So I bought a book by one of my favorite authors, Mistborn by Brandon Sanderson. It’s a book that through recommendation I know will be one I wont want to put down, the kind of book you stay up until 3 AM to finish. And that’s the twist, I’m not allowed to read it unless I’m exercising. I have faith that this will work, I can stick to that rule and all will be well. I just got back from the first night back at the gym, did 30 minutes on the bike and I feel okay. Not quite an exhilarating endorphins rush, and I know I’m out of shape when the nineteen steps back up to my apartment was hard to do. But It’s a start and a step toward victory!! Hehe.
It starts with just a snack, and then ordering out instead of cooking and then shamefully eating the whole pizza so the evidence isn’t sitting around. I haven’t written in a good long while and that’s because I fell off the wagon. I figured I could just spiral and never come back and no one would ever know or care but I would know. So 3 weeks of really bad habits and several pounds later I’m here to try again.
I feel absolutely terrible about myself. I fall into this cycle every time I try to lose weight. I’m really good for about a month lose a few pounds, just enough to feel a little bit better. Then once I have positive feelings I stop trying. I tell myself I deserve a reward, which turns into full on cheating and ultimately failure. I avoid Publix and spend more time at Jimmy Johns eating high calorie lunches instead of just buying my own groceries. It’s not even cheaper.
So I took the first step and went back to the grocery store. I bought more line caught tuna and some organic turkey burgers. They turned out to be pretty good. I’ve been eating better for a week. I also bought cereal and almond milk, I’ve never actually liked milk but the almond milk is pretty good. At least having breakfast foods and healthy foods around I have a better shot at this.
I am definitely a mood eater. I live by myself and have very introverted solitary social life without even cable. Not that I don’t have one but it happens more via smart phone and Internet than in person, and I get bored. I’ve realized this week that even when I’m not hungry or just ate I want to eat more just to be eating. So I’m going to try to make a concerted effort to occupy myself with something other than eating when I’m feeling bored. I bought a sewing machine, which has really been fun this week. Maybe this will be something I can turn to when bored instead of ice cream.
First a little background. I am a marine biologist. I study sharks and other fishes and know a lot about commercial fisheries worldwide. Generally they are awfully managed, barely enforced and depleting the oceans at terrible rates… but I am not going to rant about that here. However it is my basis for not eating seafood despite all the evidence that fish are a very healthy source of protein. This is notto say I never eat fish, because when I catch my own fish you better believe I devour it… because I Love Fish!
I have made a wonderful discovery! In my quest to find more natural and organic foods I stumbled upon a store called Nutrition ‘smart. This place is awesome. Hands down the best part between all the gluten free, all natural organic hippie food was the shinning gem that is sustainably caught seafood!
When you look at the aisle of tuna in a regular supermarket they all say dolphin safe tuna, what they neglect to mention is all the other fish, sharks and turtles besides tuna thatalso get killed (sorry that got ranty). This breaks my heart. But now that I can get my hands on line caught tuna (no by-catch) I can eat tuna sandwiches to my hearts content, without a guilty conscience. Hell yeah low calorie filling and delicious lunches!
But that isn’t even the best of it. Tonight for dinner I made Asian ginger salmon and white rice. I know right! Iam still so excited! The salmon was wild caught Alaskan salmonthat hada picture of the boat on the box! (deep breath) You just thaw the salmon, marinade, and cook. This was only the second time I cooked fish for myself and it tasted damn good. Dinner, which was probably too much food but I ate it all out of shear excitement, was about 700 calories. The white rice was organic and I opted out of the tablespoon of butter since the marinade was flavorful enough.
I’m glad to have discovered a healthy source of protein that I can eat without feeling bad about myself. I think this is really going to get me more excited about cooking food instead of ordering it. Not to mention diversify the, albeit expanding, but still very small repertoire of dinners I know how to make.
This week was rough
So part of getting PCOS under control is hormone regulation. Which is just terrible. I’m one of those girls who never wanted to ever have to take birth control, ever. I don’t like the idea of pseudo hormones turning my body into a fun land roller coaster. I refused them for years despite the fact that doctors and society pushed them on me incessantly. But PCOS means I have to take them, which really pisses me off. It doesn’t even actually cure anything just suppresses the symptoms so my body can HOPEFULLY heal itself!
Anyways I’m through my first pack of pills as of today. The first couple of weeks seemed okay but this week was really awful. I don’t really want to go into the gooey details so let’s just say there were physiological and emotional side effects that while some were expected, some totally blindsided me. I want to throw the meds in the trash but I know I can’t. I think the worst part is that I have to let these terribly frustrating things happen long enough that the doctor believes the hormone levels cause them. Then they prescribe different ones, which starts that process all over again.
Besides the physical changes, which I don’t need to explain but trust me, they suck. This week has been emotionally draining, sad, angry, pathetic feels just bubble up whenever they want. Tuesday and Wednesday I slipped right back into some bad old habits, McDonald’s breakfast, Jimmy Johns, eating second dinner (The hobbits got it right) and a pint of ice cream… All of which just made me feel worse
Despite the fact that this week was well, the worst so far, I’m going to end on a positive note. Today I managed to stay within my limits in addition to trying to make new food. Lunch was strawberries and a tuna sandwich. For dinner I made organic veggie tacos and they weren’t half bad. I think with a different (more mild) mix they could be something I would eat regularly.
I EVEN got my bike out and went for a ride. Its 4 miles to the movies so I rode my bike there, rewarded myself with a movie, and then I had to ride back.
I wish that I could do this perfectly and that I didn’t absolutely HATE the treatment for what I’ve got. Here’s hoping for a good day tomorrow.
So I’ve been eating better for about two weeks now (I’ll get to the exercising, one thing at a time for now). I’m starting to feel some improvement and my scale is reflecting that. I know typically it’s easier to lose weight the first couple weeks but I’m going to take this as encouraging and run with it (figuratively, actual running will ensue…soon).
I’m not going to tell you how much I weigh or what my goal weight is because, I don’t have to. I’m going to use BMI instead because we need some sort of numerical system to function. Two weeks ago I was at a body mass index of 31. If you look at the BMI tables that’s right over the line between overweight and obese (‘Merica). Today it was at 30.2. Improvement. Slight, but whatever. I need encouragement where I can get it so I don’t drive through and get a big mac or hot fudge sundae.
I’ve been sticking with my ~1,600 calories a day, most days its pretty simple. I’m trying not to get upset with myself for minor slips. Eat smaller portions more often yadda yadda. All-in-all I’m feeling okay. The ball is rolling and it’s moving in the right direction. The real test is yet to come.
Step one: put food in mouth. Actually as it turns out step one is scouring the Internet for food that you can possibly make without burning down your apartment. I watched my mom make lasagna once so let’s start there.
I found a website that clearly explained how to make spinach lasagna rolls; they looked good but also clever for maintaining portion size.
I’ve never actually been a meat lasagna fan anyways, which is totally weird because meat is awesome! It took me entirely too long at Publix to find all ingredients, I had to go down isles I don’t normally venture into. Apparently ricotta cheese is not with the other cheeses it’s with the yogurts, go figure. I went with whole-wheat pasta, part skim cheeses, organic spinach and eggs, and regular tomato sauce (it was only 99 cents).
Prepping things went slowly, which was fine. I managed to follow the recipe and get it into the oven without mishap. Eventually 4 hours after deciding what to make for dinner and 3 hours later than my usual dinnertime I had 8 lasagna rolls that came out to about 280 calories a roll. They even tasted good. The only thing I would emphasize is to make sure you serve it with tomato sauce on the plate like it says.
I know I know, great story but screen shot or it didn’t happen… TADAH proof!
Weekly Writing Challenge: Dialogue
“Please, you don’t have to do this, I’ll leave I’ll stop just please let me go, please…” Bernd begged her. He’d have been on his knees if the worthless leg would support even that, without mercy there was no escape. Damn him.
Her eyes were the same icy blue he remembered. “He told me to tell you he’s sorry, but let’s be honest he hasn’t meant it for a long time. Farewell, Bernd, I wish I could say it was a pleasure…” Her voice was soft and soothing somehow despite the sting that would follow. With one swift motion she pulled her sword and plunged it into his heart. Just another casualty. It was a shame no one ever really appreciated the genius of her work. She retrieved the token she came for, a small gold circlet around a chain tucked into the expensive jerkin.
She remembered when she first met the General, he had been a friend of her fathers, but so much had changed since she was four. “How did I let it get this far,” she sighed to herself. She had expected this slight moment of grief and let it pass in silence, like always.
No sounds could be heard as she slipped back into the crack in the cave wall and forgot that the man called Bernd ever existed.
I’ll lose weight next year or I’m going to start running next week, false promises that future YOU makes to present YOU and never follows through on. What a jerk. I’m going to write mine down. I have never had major health issues; sure I’m a bit overweight but nothing extreme. I’ve always been ok with my body, and with my sense of self. It’s hard to motivate yourself to change for the best when you’re content with okay, and let’s face it change is hard and scary and for later… right?
I was recently diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is apparently more common than one would be led to believe. It’s exactly what it sounds like and can have some serious repercussions if left alone, heart disease, type II diabetes and infertility. None of those are okay anymore, and surprisingly that last one was the kicker. I’ve taken a drastic turn from complacent to severely worried and unhappy with how I’m treating myself. Weight loss and a healthy lifestyle are ways that some people have seen improvements in this condition. So I’m going to do something about it instead of just bitch, although I’m sure there will be some bitching too.
My plan is to document this change. It’ll probably be slow and I’m sure I’ll mess up but no one’s perfect. I’m going to eat better, smaller portioned food and not get sucked in by the whirring modern-day traps… I’m looking at you McDonald’s monopoly. The first step I guess would be learning to feed myself on something other than microwavable pizza and Jimmy John’s subs. I’m also going to exercise. I want to run in the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving and not be the one who gets showed up by the guy in the full body turkey suit who is running it for fun because he can. Anyways, I don’t profess to be any kind of expert on the best way to be healthy. I’m just going to do it my way, because that’s the only way that will last in the long run.
So in the immortal words of Kel Mitchell, “Aw, Here it goes!”