Off the face of the earth

It starts with just a snack, and then ordering out instead of cooking and then shamefully eating the whole pizza so the evidence isn’t sitting around.  I haven’t written in a good long while and that’s because I fell off the wagon. I figured I could just spiral and never come back and no one would ever know or care but I would know. So 3 weeks of really bad habits and several pounds later I’m here to try again.

I feel absolutely terrible about myself. I fall into this cycle every time I try to lose weight. I’m really good for about a month lose a few pounds, just enough to feel a little bit better. Then once I have positive feelings I stop trying. I tell myself I deserve a reward, which turns into full on cheating and ultimately failure. I avoid Publix and spend more time at Jimmy Johns eating high calorie lunches instead of just buying my own groceries. It’s not even cheaper.

So I took the first step and went back to the grocery store. I bought more line caught tuna and some organic turkey burgers. They turned out to be pretty good. I’ve been eating better for a week. I also bought cereal and almond milk, I’ve never actually liked milk but the almond milk is pretty good. At least having breakfast foods and healthy foods around I have a better shot at this.

I am definitely a mood eater. I live by myself and have very introverted solitary social life without even cable. Not that I don’t have one but it happens more via smart phone and Internet than in person, and I get bored. I’ve realized this week that even when I’m not hungry or just ate I want to eat more just to be eating. So I’m going to try to make a concerted effort to occupy myself with something other than eating when I’m feeling bored. I bought a sewing machine, which has really been fun this week. Maybe this will be something I can turn to when bored instead of ice cream.

 

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Roller Coaster Tycoon

This week was rough

So part of getting PCOS under control is hormone regulation. Which is just terrible. I’m one of those girls who never wanted to ever have to take birth control, ever. I don’t like the idea of pseudo hormones turning my body into a fun land roller coaster. I refused them for years despite the fact that doctors and society pushed them on me incessantly. But PCOS means I have to take them, which really pisses me off. It doesn’t even actually cure anything just suppresses the symptoms so my body can HOPEFULLY heal itself!

deep breath

Anyways I’m through my first pack of pills as of today. The first couple of weeks seemed okay but this week was really awful. I don’t really want to go into the gooey details so let’s just say there were physiological and emotional side effects that while some were expected, some totally blindsided me. I want to throw the meds in the trash but I know I can’t. I think the worst part is that I have to let these terribly frustrating things happen long enough that the doctor believes the hormone levels cause them. Then they prescribe different ones, which starts that process all over again.

Besides the physical changes, which I don’t need to explain but trust me, they suck. This week has been emotionally draining, sad, angry, pathetic feels just bubble up whenever they want. Tuesday and Wednesday I slipped right back into some bad old habits, McDonald’s breakfast, Jimmy Johns, eating second dinner (The hobbits got it right) and a pint of ice cream… All of which just made me feel worse

Despite the fact that this week was well, the worst so far, I’m going to end on a positive note. Today I managed to stay within my limits in addition to trying to make new food. Lunch was strawberries and a tuna sandwich. For dinner I made organic veggie tacos and they weren’t half bad. I think with a different (more mild) mix they could be something I would eat regularly.

tacos

I EVEN got my bike out and went for a ride. Its 4 miles to the movies so I rode my bike there, rewarded myself with a movie, and then I had to ride back.

I wish that I could do this perfectly and that I didn’t absolutely HATE the treatment for what I’ve got. Here’s hoping for a good day tomorrow.